One life.
I don`t remember how it started. I can`t say exactly when it stopped. I have vague memories from when the thought wasn`t there but I remember the feeling of "it" being there in every little, hurtful, evil detail. I remember how it was to live with an eating disorder. A disorder that became my best friend, my worst enemy and my entire life.
I remember when I was twelve. I was eating chocolate in front of the television when a friend of mine asked:
- Aren`t you afraid of getting fat.
- Fat I asked with my, then, gulliable and protected eyes.
- Yes, fat. That is what all girls are afraid of.
Little did I know back then that that thought would take over my world. It would take over my brain, my heart, my muscles,my blood, my body, my reality.
I can`t say how long it took from that evening for me to enter into "the other" world. A world of disgust and self-destruction. A world that slowly would tear me down and convince me that my value is 0. A world of light and darkness. A world of the hopes of being happy but a never ending swim in the bottom of sadness. A world of the purest of hate. Hate towards me and my body. Hate towards everything that was me. As long as I was me, I was for nothing.
It`s not until today I have realized how sick I was, back then.To the world I was a short and cheerful person. I was never under-weight, I was rather on the top of the BMI scale of what normal weight is. I never got so bad that I was in any obvious danger. I never ate "nothing" and the times I threw up my sins can be counted on one hand. Or maybe two. But my soul was in real danger. It still has some serious scars from the dark, evil,unpleasent circle that I was drawn into. From the scarcity of love for myself and the constant abuse I provided it with. After living in a world for so long, where I never was good enough, where I was fat, horrible and unloveable, the scars might never go away. But they are slowly becoming less unclear, less obvious. They are more and more becoming apart of my past and a whole, healthy soul is what I`m planning for my future.
I can`t say when everything started to turn around. I can`t say: That was the day when I stopped obsessing about food and my disgusting self. All I know is that somewhere along the way I let go. A letting go which lead me to allowing myself to be loved, by myself and others. It allowed me to accept me for me and also love me exactly for that.
The reason why I am writing about this is because I feel that I am ready. I am ready to let go and share. I have left a world so complicated and hateful and I`m in this amazing point in my life where life is wonderful. I`m planning on never going back to something else, but I`m also planning on remembering. Remembering exactly how it was. Never forget the sorrow and the pain. And the chaos and the hate. Eating disorders are evil, sneaky little fuckers. They paint your world with the blackest of black and most important, they make you turn your back on yourself and everything you are.
I will (hopefully, one day) become a psychologist. And I want to use my experience. I am a firm believer that a person who has not seen an eating disorder from the inside, is going to find it hard to help somebody who is sick. There is something with eating disorders that can`t, til this day, be explained. But somebody, that has been in the hands of an eating disorder can atleast relate and try to make some sense in the sick world of a patient with eating disorders. I want to help patients to get well. Make them fight. Make them win. Make them walk away.
Rebecca
(The inspiration of this text today came from my lecture about eating disorders. I read the chapter about eating disorders and I heard the professor talk about it. It hurt in my heart and alot of memories came back. But it was also a reinforce, a reminder, of who I was. And who I am today
I also would like to add that I according to the psychological frames was never sick enough to say that I had an eating disorder. That is a totally different discussion but I think it`s an important subject. Is it really right that you should be on the verge of dying before you are considered to be sick?)
I remember when I was twelve. I was eating chocolate in front of the television when a friend of mine asked:
- Aren`t you afraid of getting fat.
- Fat I asked with my, then, gulliable and protected eyes.
- Yes, fat. That is what all girls are afraid of.
Little did I know back then that that thought would take over my world. It would take over my brain, my heart, my muscles,my blood, my body, my reality.
I can`t say how long it took from that evening for me to enter into "the other" world. A world of disgust and self-destruction. A world that slowly would tear me down and convince me that my value is 0. A world of light and darkness. A world of the hopes of being happy but a never ending swim in the bottom of sadness. A world of the purest of hate. Hate towards me and my body. Hate towards everything that was me. As long as I was me, I was for nothing.
It`s not until today I have realized how sick I was, back then.To the world I was a short and cheerful person. I was never under-weight, I was rather on the top of the BMI scale of what normal weight is. I never got so bad that I was in any obvious danger. I never ate "nothing" and the times I threw up my sins can be counted on one hand. Or maybe two. But my soul was in real danger. It still has some serious scars from the dark, evil,unpleasent circle that I was drawn into. From the scarcity of love for myself and the constant abuse I provided it with. After living in a world for so long, where I never was good enough, where I was fat, horrible and unloveable, the scars might never go away. But they are slowly becoming less unclear, less obvious. They are more and more becoming apart of my past and a whole, healthy soul is what I`m planning for my future.
I can`t say when everything started to turn around. I can`t say: That was the day when I stopped obsessing about food and my disgusting self. All I know is that somewhere along the way I let go. A letting go which lead me to allowing myself to be loved, by myself and others. It allowed me to accept me for me and also love me exactly for that.
The reason why I am writing about this is because I feel that I am ready. I am ready to let go and share. I have left a world so complicated and hateful and I`m in this amazing point in my life where life is wonderful. I`m planning on never going back to something else, but I`m also planning on remembering. Remembering exactly how it was. Never forget the sorrow and the pain. And the chaos and the hate. Eating disorders are evil, sneaky little fuckers. They paint your world with the blackest of black and most important, they make you turn your back on yourself and everything you are.
I will (hopefully, one day) become a psychologist. And I want to use my experience. I am a firm believer that a person who has not seen an eating disorder from the inside, is going to find it hard to help somebody who is sick. There is something with eating disorders that can`t, til this day, be explained. But somebody, that has been in the hands of an eating disorder can atleast relate and try to make some sense in the sick world of a patient with eating disorders. I want to help patients to get well. Make them fight. Make them win. Make them walk away.
Rebecca
(The inspiration of this text today came from my lecture about eating disorders. I read the chapter about eating disorders and I heard the professor talk about it. It hurt in my heart and alot of memories came back. But it was also a reinforce, a reminder, of who I was. And who I am today
I also would like to add that I according to the psychological frames was never sick enough to say that I had an eating disorder. That is a totally different discussion but I think it`s an important subject. Is it really right that you should be on the verge of dying before you are considered to be sick?)
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